LotusFeather Productions
Jokes & Funnies!!!
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
| |
 |
Disclaimer: The following words are intended for humor only and no racial,
ethnic, religious or sexist judgements are either meant or implied. Also, these
jokes are borrowed, not creations of mine!
**************************************************************
General
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irish Humor
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to
O'Toole and said," Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood
and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard
all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Isn't it about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The
state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of
me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there
twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Humor
What Is Logic?
These two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that
you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than
homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is
still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No.." says Cooter.
"You're queer, aintcha?"
ethnic, religious or sexist judgements are either meant or implied. Also, these
jokes are borrowed, not creations of mine!
**************************************************************
General
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irish Humor
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to
O'Toole and said," Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood
and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard
all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians."
Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the
sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
"Isn't it about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column
that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The
state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor
of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of
me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,
Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, He's only been there
twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to
make him come."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Humor
What Is Logic?
These two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided they should go to college so they could get ahead.
Bubba went in first, and the professor advises him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" Bubba asked.
"Well, let me give you an example," said the professor.
"Do you own a weed-eater?"
"Sure do," the redneck responded.
"Okay. Then I assume, using logic, that you have a yard," the professor went on.
"That's real good," said the redneck, in awe.
"Logic also tells me that since you have a yard, you also have a house. Is that right?"
"GAWL-LEE!" the redneck shouted.
"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that
you have a wife. Right?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" Bubba is catching on now.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume you are heterosexual rather than
homosexual. Is that right?"
"You are absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thang I ever heerd of. I can't wait to
take this here logic class!"
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is
still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin"? Cooter asks.
"Math, History, and Logic," replied Bubba.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Cooter.
"Let me give you an example," Bubba says. "Do you own a weed-eater?"
"No.." says Cooter.
"You're queer, aintcha?"
